The Psychology of Online dating

2008-07-24T04:58:00.034-04:00

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation . . . A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind."Henry David Thoreau

I have had the opportunity to share the Good the Bad and the Ugly with hundreds of people who have come to cyberspace seeking some level of a romantic connection. The preponderance of anecdotal feedback suggest that most mature daters are seeking to fill a gaping hole in their soul. Of course, many will say they are simply trying out online dating as they are sooo busy-- they have been urged on by a friend, or just taking advantage of a free membership.

Some will say they are giving online dating one more chance. However, this writer finds that the underlying reasons are often far deeper. Boomers come to online dating desperately seeking a solution to a nagging problem.

While "Sex in the City" is cute and delightfully upbeat-- this is not the reality for most mature singles. Their quest for a true connection is full of doubt, disappointments and is-that-all-there-is moments. Ho hum holidays..."alone-again" New Years, the deafening silence of a empty nester home once animated by rowdy teens ... and birthdays that now come quarterly. ..all conspire to give boomers a very determined mind set.

The gurus will advise against appearing desperate or too available.... but mature daters tend to have a sense of urgency. Most are seeking a singular soulful connection; not just another generic date.

Dating coaches encourage us to be prepared for a bumpy ride and not to have unrealistic expectations. Some say you should have zero expectations, as cyber dating is truly like a box of chocolates. However, the irony is the fact that boomers typically come to cyberspace as a last resort. In their minds...cyber dating is a desperate measure and they want results...NOW.

Careful not to send a potential "soul mate" running for the hills-- they attempt to play it cool. However,the mature dater has taken a serious look at the state of their personal lives and knows that a proactive mind set is required.

Achieving goals, obtaining the accouterments of success and slaying all the dragons that life throws at you can never take the place of intimacy with someone who sees you in your fullness. This truism is what drives the mature online dater. He/she has usually been in a satisfying long-term relationship or marriage and clearly is not looking for light fare. The hope is that online dating will enable them to cast a wide enough net to make a quality catch.

If Stanford researchers are correct in suggesting that you have a 1 in 1000 chance of accomplishing this mission, then this dating experience is bound to disappoint those with great expectations and little patience.

Despite the casual tone of their profiles, many are hoping that they can wrap this tedious process up pronto. Dating feels awkward and time consuming for the purposeful mature dater. There is no one strategy to navigate these uncharted waters. Dating sites offer tons of advice as to the Dos and Don'ts--but few talk about how to customize your search so that you can leap frog over..well...frogs.

Finding your prince/princess is a deeply personal exploration that requires that you be focused and simultaneously exceptionally self-aware.Drama teachers call it the third eye. You must develop the ability to observe your interaction with the audience or in this case your date. Try to hover above your conversation. First encounters can be a tense. You may notice you are talking too much, unresponsive or a tad anxious. This all sounds a bit clinical; but some refining of your "interview" techniques will save time and improve your power of discernment.

So once you have thoroughly checked the pics--read... reread and read again the profile of your potential connection--what next? It's time to probe. Too much nicey- face and prolonged PC engagements will only waste life's most precious commodity...time.

Whether you are responding to a suitor or initiating contact you got to have a game plan. Admit it-- you are out of practice and hardly know where to begin. So have some guidelines firmly implanted in your mind. If a sense of give and take is a big deal to you, then you will want to ask questions that would reveal this quality. Discussing where your first meeting will take place, can be quite enlightening. Does he/she show a willingness to compromise?

If you enjoy a date that has a great fashion sense then you might want to explore if they own formal/stylish attire, or think of fashion as a superfluous indulgence. If you enjoy an edgy personality that might let some colorful expletives fly to make their point, then you may want to take that 2 x 4 out your butt before setting the tone of your conversation. Remember, it's fairly easy to get stuck in PC mode--{{{boring}}}.

Keep in mind, that the majority of mature online daters may not be looking for marriage but they are certainly seeking real intimacy. They seek someone who will see them beyond the limited context of their colleagues, neighborhood/church affiliations or the eyes of friends. Ironically, those who look like all their ducks are neatly lined up are often the most deprived of warm and fuzzy affirmations.

Ok..ok ..ok...this stuff sounds really heavy and intense...and it is. But don't get too caught up in the mating dance. Allow your date to be fully expressive. Too often we are looking for someone to read a script for us. A script we rehearsed in our hyper-romantic adolescence. Throw that old script out! It's not likely that you will be completing each others sentences by the third date. This adventure is going to be twisty. You will see flashes of connectivity then a few awkward moments might cast an ominous shadow.

Try to resist 21 question interviews. Let go... breathe deeply...relax and let things unfold as they will. In a word... initial encounters are best served by an eastern mind set. Don't be so goal-oriented that you come across like a "60 minutes" interview. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line in geometric terms. However, in romance ...

Savvy daters will know you are going down your checklist. Polite ones will play along...for awhile. It's best to learn how to frame open-ended questions such as: Do you have much time to travel? How do you manage to fit fun into your busy schedule? Was attending church a big deal when you were growing up? Where is the most romantic place you have ever been? These are jumping off points that will allow your date to share a lot of about their sensibilities, perspective and lifestyle. Remember-- you will never get to know how expansive or limited your date is, if you insist on being too methodical.

http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/features/onlinedatingtips.html

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2008-01-25T02:15:00.000-05:00

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Online dating the Good the Bad the Ugly

The Psychology of Online dating

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